How to support someone who had to flee their home

Someone who has fled home is often living in two places at once. Their body is here, learning a new street, a new language, a set of forms. Their mind is back where they left, with people they could not bring. Both things are true on the same day, sometimes in the same hour, and that is tiring in a way sleep does not fix.

Some days are steady. Others, a song in a shop or the smell of a certain food can knock them sideways, and they may go quiet without explaining why. You do not need to know the details of what happened to be kind about the effect.

Practical strain sits on top of that. There may be paperwork they do not fully understand, a job that does not match their old one, children settling into a school where they are the new arrival, money stretched thin. If it touches on legal status, money or health, a qualified professional is the right person for that part, and you can help them find one without pretending to be one.

Many people carry guilt about those left behind and relief at being safe at the same time. Listen for the words they use about themselves, refugee, displaced, or none at all, and use those.

Start with the ordinary. “I'm glad you are here”, said plainly and once, means more than a speech. “How has today been?” is easier to answer than “how are you coping?”, and it gives them room to say fine, or to say not great.

Say that you are not going anywhere and that you do not need the story. “You don't have to explain any of it. I'm just glad to see you.” If they start to tell you something, let them set the pace and stop when they stop, without filling the silence.

Offer choices rather than pressure. “Would you like company this weekend, or would you rather have quiet? Either is fine.” “I'm going to the market on Saturday, can I bring you anything?” A specific offer is easy to accept and easy to refuse.

Follow their lead on words and on plans. If they want to talk about the past, listen. If they want to talk about a bus route, talk about the bus route. Both are conversation, and the second one can be a relief.

Some kindnesses land badly. “At least you're safe” can sting when people they love are not. “Everything happens for a reason” is not yours to say. “I could never cope” turns the conversation to you, however well meant.

Leave out the questions you would not want to answer yourself. What exactly happened, how they got here, who they lost, whether they are going back. If they want you to know, they will tell you, often in pieces over months.

Skip comparisons and opinions. Comparing their situation to other people's, or to something you saw in the news, can make them feel like a category rather than a person. The same goes for advice about where to live or what to do about paperwork unless they ask. If they ask, help them find someone qualified, and say plainly that you are not the right person for that part.

Do not promise what you cannot control, such as “it will all work out” or “you'll be home soon”. “I don't know, and I'm here” is honest and often more comforting.

Small, concrete help beats grand offers. “Let me know if you need anything” is hard to answer when you are exhausted. “I'm free on Thursday morning, can I take you to that appointment?” is easy. So is a meal brought with no fuss, a spare phone charger, or walking to the school gate the first few times so the route feels known.

Think about the boring things: a lift, a reminder written down, an hour of childcare, help reading a letter. Ask first and take no for an answer. Before you involve anyone else, ask whether it is all right to mention them to your neighbour. Never post about them online or share their story for them.

If they are open to it, point them to SupportMeet. It is a free peer-support network where people write what they are going through and join circles of others in the same situation. There is a circle for refugees and displacement, in Spanish and Portuguese, and country circles for Argentina, Australia, Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, India, Jordan, Kenya, Mexico and Nigeria, with weekly online gatherings. Local circles do not exist, which keeps people safe. People write as little as they like, can stay anonymous, and can leave a circle at any time. The site also lists kinds of help such as charities, community groups, products, professionals and services. For anything legal, financial or medical, a qualified professional is the right person.

You may be the person holding a lot, and that can go on for a long time. There is no finish line you can see, and you cannot fix what happened. Knowing that early makes it easier to keep showing up in small ways for years rather than burning out in a month.

Pace yourself. A message every so often, a regular walk, a standing invitation that does not need a reply, all of that lasts better than one intense week. It is fine to say “I can't do Tuesday but I can do Sunday”. It is fine to have limits, and to say them kindly.

Tell someone how you are doing. A friend, a partner, someone in a similar spot. You are allowed to find it hard without making it about you in front of the person you are supporting. If it starts to weigh heavily, a qualified professional is the right person to talk it through with.