How to support someone whose loved one has an addiction

People in this position often describe a low, constant hum of worry. They check their phone when it rings. They listen for the front door. They learn to read a mood in the first few seconds and plan the evening around it. All of that takes energy, and little of it shows from the outside.

You may also see them covering. They make excuses for cancelled plans, change the subject, say things are fine when you both know they are not. Shame is often underneath. Many people worry that others will think less of them, or of their family, and that worry keeps them quiet.

Love and anger sit together, and that can confuse them. They might be furious with their partner on Tuesday and defending them on Thursday. They may feel relief when their son is out of the house, then feel guilty for the relief. If they seem to contradict themselves, that is often what is happening, not dishonesty.

Some carry a label they never asked for. Someone may have told them they are part of the problem, or used a word about their relationship that stung. Comments like that can leave a person second guessing every kind thing they do.

Start with what you have noticed, gently, and without a theory about the cause. “I've been thinking about you. How are you, really?” is often enough. If they say fine, leave the door open: “Okay. I'm around if it stops being fine.”

Say the thing you actually feel. “I'm not going anywhere.” “You don't have to explain anything to me.” “I don't think less of you, or of him.” People remember short lines like these for a long time.

Ask about them, not only the situation. Did they sleep? What are they doing today? Would they like company while they do the shopping? Ordinary questions can be a relief when everything else has been swallowed up.

If they cry, don't rush to fix it. “Take your time” works better than a plan. And if you say you will text on Saturday, text on Saturday. Steadiness matters more than clever words.

Skip the advice about what they should do next. Leaving, staying, cutting contact, paying for something or refusing to: these are big decisions, and they belong to the person who lives with the result. Push, and they may stop telling you things.

Hold back from asking for details. You may be curious about amounts, times, what was said. They may not want to describe it, and saying it out loud again can be exhausting. Let them choose how much to share.

Avoid comparing their situation to someone else's, even kindly. A story about a neighbour whose son is fine now lands as a verdict, however it was meant. The person they love is still the person they love, and they do not need that explained to them.

Words to leave out: “just”, “if you really cared, you'd”, “what did you expect”, “everything happens for a reason”. Leave out promises too, such as “it'll be sorted by Christmas”. If you do not know, say you do not know. Questions about treatment, money or legal matters belong with a qualified professional, not with you.

Be specific and small. “I'm free Thursday evening, can I bring dinner?” gets a yes far more often than “let me know if you need anything”. People in the middle of this rarely have the energy to work out what they need, let alone ask for it.

Take something off their plate that has nothing to do with the addiction. Pick up shopping, sit with the children for an hour, drive them somewhere, help with a form they have been avoiding. Ordinary help protects ordinary life, and ordinary life is often what keeps a person steady.

Keep inviting them, and make it easy to say no. “A few of us are getting coffee on Saturday, no pressure, I'll text you that morning.” Let them cancel twice and ask again the third time. Be the friend who does not need updates. A message that asks nothing, “thinking of you, no need to reply”, gives contact without a task.

If they want to talk to people in the same position, SupportMeet has a free circle for people with a loved one's addiction. People write what they are going through, check in, and share notes of hope, with weekly online gatherings and circles in Spanish and Portuguese. Local circles open once five people nearby join. They can read for a while before saying anything.

You can be a good friend and still have limits. Decide what you can offer this month, in hours and in listening, and say it plainly. “I can talk on Sunday, but I'm not the right person for 2am every night” is kinder than quietly disappearing in March.

Find one person you can talk to about how this is affecting you. Watching someone you love struggle is heavy, and it helps to say so out loud somewhere. SupportMeet's circle for a loved one's addiction is there for friends and family too, not only partners.

Notice if you are becoming the only person holding any of it. If you are the sole confidant, the sole driver, the sole cook, say that out loud, gently, to the person you are helping. Then keep some of your own life going. A class, a walk, a standing Tuesday dinner. Not as a reward for coping, just because you are a person too.